Shatter
by Cheyne
Summary: Everyone's seen Daisya wrapped in his bandages, but why exactly does he wear them? KandaxDaisya, will possibly contain spoilers later - chapter four is ready to go.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I wondered once why Daisya wears those bandages of his, so this is my take on it. I think he's quite an interesting character! This story may end up being somewhat long, as it is currently broken into three chapters (this being chapter one)... so I hope you'll stick with me and enjoy it the whole way through!

"Hey, are you sure we're ready for this?" Daisya Barry asked, glancing over his shoulder at his companion, Yuu Kanda. He walked with his hands behind his head, thoughtfully kicking up dust in the road as they proceeded. "I dunno what that old man's thinkin', sending us off on our own like this…

Kanda rolled his eyes. "We have to start sometime."

"Yeah, I know, but still! What if we mess up and the Innocence gets lost?" The older boy seemed somewhat agitated. "I don't wanna have that over my head."

"You worry too much," Kanda said irritably. "Everything will be fine. Froi Tiedoll wouldn't have sent us if he thought we couldn't handle it."

In truth, Kanda also questioned Tiedoll's decision to send the two of them to retrieve an Innocence fragment from the English countryside. It didn't help his mood that his English was still poor; he hated the awkward feeling of having to search for words and most of all he hated tripping over his accent. Daisya, on the other hand, seemed to have had no problems adjusting – he was nearly fluent and his accent actually seemed to _aid_ him.

The sun was starting to set when the pair reached the village, and the first place they went was the inn. Kanda was hoping somewhere deep in his heart that they would have two rooms available, but the inn was small and his luck had seemingly run out. The room itself was even worse – only one bed, and narrow at that.

Daisya walked in ahead of him and tossed his pack onto the bed, then opened the window and braced himself on the sill. "Ahh, it smells good!" he exclaimed. "Not quite as good as the sea, but close."

Kanda rolled his eyes and set his own pack in a corner. "We should start investigating. We're not on a holiday."

"No point," the older exorcist replied, resting his chin in his hands and watching the sun set contentedly. "It's going to be dark soon and nobody will be out… plus we've been on the road all day. We need to rest first."

"Are we children who have to go to bed early?" Kanda asked irritably. "We need to reach the Innocence before the akuma show up."

Daisya shrugged. "We're here, so even if the akuma do show up it's not like the town is in danger. Aside from that, anyone who might know something won't speak to us at this hour. Look outside."

Kanda walked to the window and peered out over Daisya's head, then raised an eyebrow when he saw people closing and locking their doors – and even pulling drapes and barricading windows. "Interesting," was all he said.

"Mm," Daisya agreed. "Interesting indeed. Once it's dark out, let's explore a little."

"Seems like a good way to get killed by a high-strung townsman," Kanda retorted.

Daisya chuckled. "Nah, it'll be fine. Let's rest a bit first, though… I'm pretty tired."

Kanda watched as Daisya pulled off his poncho-like coat and hung it over the back of one of the chairs, then stretched and yawned. He had to admit a bit of grudging admiration for Daisya; the older boy had pushed and kept going even when Kanda himself would have wanted to take a break to rest for awhile, all in the interest of reaching the village before nightfall. Now he understood why – Daisya had wanted to see what the villagers would do as the sun went down.

The older boy curled up on the bed like a cat, then smiled at Kanda. "You can lay down too," he offered. "We're small, we can both fit."

Kanda stared at him with his trademark _have you lost your fucking mind_ expression, then shook his head and sat on the floor beneath the window. "I'm fine here."

Daisya grinned. "Suit yourself, but it's gonna get cold."

Two or so hours later, Kanda was growling under his breath. Daisya had been right – the cold seeping down from the window had chilled him to the bone. It was late autumn and while the day had been warm enough, the night was anything but. Annoyed, the swordsman pushed himself up off of the floor and stretched, then glanced out the window again. The streets were dark and deserted, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

_This is ridiculous,_ he thought scathingly. _We should have had the Innocence and been out of here by now! How hard can it be?_

A soft whimper from the bed interrupted his train of thought, which caused him to glance over in surprise. Daisya was still curled up and asleep, but a frown marred his typically smiling face. He shuddered and rolled onto his back, putting his arm over his eyes and biting his lip hard.

_Nightmare,_ Kanda thought grimly, watching his suffering friend. He sighed and walked over to the bed, sitting down and putting his hand on Daisya's arm. "Daisya," he called quietly.

Daisya stirred and woke with a gasp, sitting up and bracing himself on one arm. "Kanda!" He looked around, blue eyes frantic, then looked back at him. "What…?"

"You were having a nightmare," Kanda said curtly. "I didn't want you bringing the whole inn down on us."

The older boy sighed and ran his free hand through his short hair. "Sorry. I haven't been sleeping too well lately."

"I hadn't noticed," was the dry response. Kanda had, in fact, noticed – though he hadn't brought it up. His frown deepened when he saw Daisya shaking a bit, and he sighed and squeezed his arm comfortingly. "It's just a dream. They can't hurt you."

Daisya nodded. "I know," he said, his voice low and slightly hoarse. "It's just damn troublesome." He glanced at the window, then rose and stretched. "Come on, let's go… we've got work to do."

Kanda watched him put his coat on, amazed. His Charity Bell jingled softly as he adjusted his hood and walked to the window, boots clicking softly on the wooden floor as he went. For all that the older boy acted like an airhead, there was a way about him that signified that he was anything but at times – like now, for example, gazing out at the darkened streets with a grim expression on his face. _He should be laughing,_ Kanda thought absently. _Someone like that should always be smiling._

"Come on," Daisya said again, now crouching on the sill and glancing at Kanda over his shoulder. He turned away and jumped, leaving Kanda fuming at himself and feeling like an idiot as he grabbed Mugen and followed.

Daisya stuck to the shadows as the two prowled the silent streets. The only sound was the wind blowing, and Kanda couldn't help but feel somewhat unnerved. His experiences with cities at night were that they came alive – women with painted faces and scanty clothing, men with cigars and deep pockets, and boys draped across whatever available surface they could find. Kanda scowled at the memory and shoved it away, focusing on following Daisya and observing his surroundings.

"Over here," the older boy whispered, pointing at the woods. "There's a church back there."

Kanda looked at it and nodded slightly. "Think there's something there?"

"Don't know," was the murmured response. Daisya's brows were knitted together in worry or concentration, and he was tense as though ready to dive to either side at any second. "Do you smell that?"

The Japanese boy closed his eyes as though it would help him smell better, and they flew open seconds later. "Smoke, but… it smells… unclean."

"Come on!" Daisya was off like a shot, leaving Kanda to hurry after him.

The blaze was visible from the main street, and there were several people gathered outside the home, watching in horror. Kanda and Daisya skidded to a halt and assessed the situation. The older boy swore when he saw that nobody was bothering to go help, but Kanda knew better. You either fended for yourself or died, and counting on other people typically got you nowhere fast. In this case, it seemed that nobody had the guts to go into the burning house… which was unfortunate for the residents, but not entirely his concern.

"Why isn't anyone helping?" Daisya demanded, striding over to the crowd. "Are there people inside?"

One woman looked at him threw herself at him, trapped in a sheer panic. "My sister's family!" she cried. "Nobody will do anything… oh, please!"

"Daisya, _stop!_" Kanda yelled, horrified as the older exorcist ran headlong into the blaze. "God_damn_!" He started to run in as well, but as he moved forward part of the porch collapsed into the hungry flames. "_Daisya!!_" he yelled, the smoke hurting his throat. "_Get out of there!!"_

The inferno raged, and Kanda had heartbeats to make a choice. Pulling the collar of his coat up over his mouth and nose, he leapt over the ruined porch and through the flames. The intense heat caused his eyes to water and his nerves to scream in pain. Luckily the common room hadn't been entirely consumed, and he was able to slip into a hallway unscathed.

"Daisya!" he yelled, his voice hoarse and his throat protesting. "Where are you?!"

"Back here!" the older exorcist yelled back, his voice breaking from the strain. "Hurry! I can't carry them all by myself!"

Kanda ran through the black smoke, following the sound of the older boy's voice. The roaring of the flames seemed to be getting louder, and he knew they had precious little time to escape. One of the memories he'd tried to block from his childhood was one of the whorehouse across the street from his own burning down… the screams, the smoke, the way the fire had turned the sky red… and the victims, staggering out with their skin half melted, charred and seared, carrying bodies of those less fortunate. He stumbled a bit as the vivid memory swept through his mind, but forced himself to continue forward.

He found Daisya crouched in the corner of the bedroom, speaking soothingly to two panicked children and an injured woman. "We're going to get you out of here," he said, his voice calm and gentle despite the smoke. "Have no fear. You're safe now. Kanda, take the girl, will you?"

Kanda moved forward and lifted the little girl into his arms. She was terrified, but thankfully not screaming in his ear – instead, she clung to him for dear life and hid her face in his neck. "I've got you," he told her awkwardly, not good at offering comfort. The smoke was starting to become suffocating, and his eyes watered and stung.

"Now, love, up you go," Daisya was saying, carefully helping the woman to her feet. "Anyone else in here?" When she shook her head, Daisya lifted the boy into his arms and smiled. "Let's go, then. No reason to stay." He carefully tucked the child's face into the fold of his hood to protect him from the smoke and started towards the window.

The Japanese boy didn't have time to be amazed; instead he turned to the window and smashed it with his booted foot. He winced as the glass shattered and sliced through his trousers, but that could be handled later. He jumped lightly to the ground and put the little girl down, directing her to run to the trees and stay there. When he turned back, his eyes widened in horror.

"Daisya! _Hurry!_" he cried, seeing the flames encroaching on the room. "Hurry! Give him to me!"

Daisya passed the boy through the window to Kanda, who set him down and pushed him towards his sister, then carefully started to pass the mother along when an explosion rocked the house. Kanda was thrown backwards and stunned when his head bounced off of the corner of another house, and slumped momentarily as he saw stars.

Something forced him to move, and he ran over to the burning home once more. The woman had been thrown free, but there was no sign of Daisya. Kanda's heart leapt into his throat and lodged there, and sheer panic gave him wings. He leapt up and hurled himself through the window, and a scream of agony was wrenched from his throat as a shard from the broken window sliced clean through his hand. That was nothing, though, compared to the pain of what he saw next.

Daisya was kneeling, screaming, his coat on fire. He struggled to extinguish it, but the blast had injured him so severely that he couldn't do so. Sickened and horrified Kanda struggled out of his own jacket and threw it over his friend, smothering the flames as best he could. Thankfully, Daisya lost consciousness, his body unable to deal with the pain. Drawing a deep breath and praying to the God he barely had any faith in, Kanda lifted him up and threw himself from the building as it was fully consumed.

The first thing Kanda noticed when he woke up was that he _hurt_. That was unusual, as his healing abilities typically kicked in quickly… but judging from the fact that it was still dark out, he hadn't been asleep long. Groaning, he forced himself to sit, only to be eased back down by gentle hands.

"No, you mustn't," a soft voice said. "You'll make your injuries worse. Don't you know how badly you were hurt? Just rest…"

Kanda forced his eyes open and tried to speak, but was dismayed when all that came out was a breathless croak. "Da… Daisya?" he managed to ask, forcing the name from his abused throat.

The young woman tending to him smiled gently. "Just rest," she soothed.

"No," the Japanese boy replied, struggling to sit up again. "Daisya…!"

"Your friend is still with the doctor, lad," a new voice said. An older man strode into the room and stopped at his bedside, looking down at him. "Adrienne, go fetch some water." When the young woman left, the man took her place and looked Kanda in the eye. "What you boys did was brave," he said seriously. "Nobody else would have dared."

Kanda shook his head, wanting to speak, wanting to blame it on Daisya's foolishly soft heart… but he couldn't get the words out, and even if he could have, he would have hated himself for speaking that way. "Please," he croaked, speaking starting to be a bit easier. "Daisya… how is… he?"

The man looked at him sympathetically. "Bad," he said, speaking bluntly. Kanda appreciated the honesty, but the words were like a lance through his already aching heart. "He's burned real bad… his torso, his neck, and up the sides of his face. Got a broken leg and arm each, and a few broken ribs from where the blast threw him against the windowsill… not to mention all the cuts and bruises… and the fact that he was breathing smoke longer than's healthy."

Kanda sucked in a breath, his already-aching throat feeling as though it were going to seal off. He wanted to scream, wanted to deny it, but he knew it was true – he'd seen it himself. "Will he live?" he asked, his heart threatening to burst as he formed the words.

"Don't know, laddie," the man replied sadly. "Don't know. He's in God's hands now."

There were no words to describe it. Kanda clenched his hands in the sheets, ignoring the pain from the one that had been impaled by glass. He'd seen death in all its grisly glory, coming to the old, the young, the weak, the strong… it didn't matter. Everyone died eventually, but thinking of Daisya in that state was more than the normally stoic swordsman could handle. The girl returned shortly thereafter with a glass of water, which he accepted absently.

"I want to see him," Kanda said firmly after the water was gone. He started to stand, and when his legs threatened to give out the old man caught him and helped him stay upright.

"Are you sure?" he asked, frowning. "Like I said…"

"I'm sure," the Japanese boy snarled. "Take me to him!"

Each step was a new shade of agony, and by the time he'd reached Daisya's room he was ready to pass out again. Willpower and stubbornness kept him going until he was at his friend's side, and only then did he allow his legs to give out. Sweaty and breathing hard, he collapsed to his knees and stared, unable to believe what he was seeing.

Daisya was still unconscious, and wrapped in so many bandages that he looked like a mummy. A low wail filled the room, and Kanda didn't even realize he was the one who was making the sound until it cut off abruptly when a gentle hand touched his shoulder.

"Stay a little while, but then you need to sleep." The voice was new, and Kanda looked up through blurred eyes – though _not_ from tears, dammit! – to see a man in a white coat looking down at him.

"You're the doctor?" he rasped, knuckling his eyes to clear his vision. "How is he?"

The doctor smiled faintly. "He's doing better than I would have thought. I knew he had a strong will the moment the two of you were brought here, after hearing what he did to save those people. You, too. All we can do now is watch him closely and change his dressings often to keep infection from setting in… the rest is up to him."

Kanda nodded slowly and returned his dark eyes to Daisya. "I've spent weeks telling you to shut up, and you finally do it this way?" he asked, his voice catching painfully. "You're going to live, you bastard! We have a fucking job to do, so… you can't leave now!"

There was no response, so Kanda reached out and carefully wrapped his unbandaged hand around Daisya's. The older boy's touch was typically rough – sparring, bandaging minor injuries, or whatever else – but now his hand was limp and lifeless, though warmth still flowed from the soft skin into Kanda's own. "You're going to live," he said again, his tone fierce. "You're going to _live!_"

After a little while, the doctor returned with two bowls and a roll of bandages under his arm. "You should go now," he said softly. "This won't be pleasant, and you need to rest."

Kanda turned to stare at him, dark eyes flashing a warning. "I'm not going anywhere," he said flatly. His injuries were well on the way to healing, and neither hell nor high water was going to remove him from Daisya's side.

The doctor shrugged, setting his materials down on a nearby table. "Suit yourself. I will have to ask you to at least get out of my way." He looked up, surprised, when Kanda swiftly stood and backed up, standing at the head of the bed and looking down at Daisya grimly. "You're able… how?"

Kanda glowered at him. "I'm an exorcist," he said coldly, his tone brooking no more conversation on the topic.

After a moment, the doctor moved the table to the bedside and glanced at him. "If you've healed enough, you can help me by holding him down."

"Why?" the Japanese boy asked suspiciously. "He's unconscious."

A sad smile curved the young man's lips. "Yes, but that doesn't mean he isn't in an incredible amount of pain… and peeling these bandages away is going to hurt him more than getting the wounds in the first place. We're just lucky the burns didn't go all the way around…"

Kanda stared down at Daisya again, the tightness returning to his throat. "He's in pain?" he whispered.

"Having you here is undoubtedly a help," the doctor replied encouragingly. "He can hear your voice, feel you holding his hand. He may not remember it when he wakes, but he knows it now."

Kanda scowled, if only to keep himself from breaking down – which he would _not_ do – and nodded. "Very well. What do you want me to do?"

Nearly two painful, heart-rending hours later, Daisya's bandages were changed and fresh salve was applied to his wounds. Kanda wiped at the still-damp trails on his face that marked his reaction to the situation and knelt again, resuming his position by his friend's side. Since the ordeal Daisya hadn't moved. He'd just sunk back into the blank unconsciousness he'd been in when Kanda had first seen him. Outside, the sun was beginning to rise, and the two were left alone.

"… can you hear me, Daisya?" Kanda asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "The sun is rising… we have to go get the Innocence, so you… you have to wake up!"

There was no response, so Kanda closed his eyes and rested his head against the mattress, pressing Daisya's uninjured hand to his cheek. He was exhausted, and though he wanted to stay awake, the world was fading out. The last thing he knew was the warmth of his friend's hand and the vague aching of the last of his wounds, and then he gave over into sleep.

He didn't know what time it was, but someone was kneeling next to him. That person was whispering a prayer, and Kanda jolted to full wakefulness with the horrible realization that Daisya had died. His movements caused the other to finish his prayer and look at Kanda with sad eyes, and Kanda resisted the urge to curse in surprise when he saw who the newcomer was.

"I came as soon as word reached me," Froi Tiedoll murmured, turning his gaze back to Daisya. "Poor boy… but the two of you are heroes to these people!"

"That doesn't matter," Kanda said harshly. He looked down at Daisya, still sleeping, and shook his head. "We don't know these people! We owe them nothing, and now… now Daisya…!"

"Shh," Tiedoll soothed, wrapping his arms around Kanda and holding him tight, just as he had when the Japanese boy was a child. "It's all right… my dear boy, you've been through too much, haven't you…"

"I don't _want_ your pity!" Kanda yelled, but there were already tears streaming down his cheeks. "I… I want Daisya to wake up! I want him to throw that stupid bell at me! I want him to break your glasses, I want him to taunt us, I want… I want…!"

Tiedoll held him close and sighed, stroking his loose hair. "I know," he murmured. "I know. I want that, too. Well, my boy, all we can do is wait… God is watching over Daisya. You and I, though… we have a job to do."

Kanda looked up at him, startled. "The Innocence… I… I forgot!"

"I hope you will forgive me for the cruelty of forcing you from Daisya's side, but you are an exorcist first," Tiedoll said quietly, all signs of his normal absentmindedness gone. "We have a mission, and it must be accomplished."

At that moment, Kanda found a new respect for his master. He nodded and stood. "Let's go," he said. "The akuma could be here at any time."

Tiedoll nodded and stood as well. "Farewell, Daisya," he said to the unconscious exorcist. "We will meet again, either in this world or the next." With that, he turned and walked out, leaving Kanda to say goodbye in private.

Kanda slowly knelt again, his face inches from Daisya's. "I have to leave, knowing you might die," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "I hate you for doing this to me… and you damn well better be alive so I can kick your ass when I get back!"

Pausing only for a moment, Kanda leaned forward and brushed his lips against Daisya's. The older boy's lips were dry and cracked, but that didn't matter. He hesitated and kissed him once more, then stood. "I've given you enough reason to make fun of me for years," he said hoarsely. "Be awake when I get back!"


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter two... I hope you're enjoying this so far! -

It was nightfall and three days later when Kanda and Tiedoll returned to the village. It had been pouring rain for most of the time they'd been gone, and Kanda was in a foul temper thanks to it. When the village came into view, he'd taken off at a dead sprint, leaving Tiedoll to shake his head and smile faintly.

"You've found something important," the General said to the now-gone exorcist. "Take this opportunity, Kanda… don't let it slip away." He shook his head, smiling, and continued walking.

Kanda raced into the inn and took the stairs two at a time, his heart in his throat. He nearly bowled over the doctor, who was just leaving Daisya's room, and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Is he awake?" he demanded.

"Not right now," the doctor replied, smiling despite the rough treatment. "He was earlier today."

The Japanese boy released him and sagged against the wall. "Yokatta," he mumbled, not caring that nobody understood him. "Can I talk to him?"

The doctor nodded. "Please do," he said. "He was distraught when he learned that you and your master had left."

Kanda brushed past him with a quick 'thank you' and shut the door, then hurried to the bedside and knelt. "Daisya!"

Daisya stirred and slowly opened his eyes. He blinked at the ceiling for a moment, then slowly turned his gaze to Kanda without moving his head. "Ka…nda…"

Kanda didn't know what to say. He took Daisya's hand and squeezed it hard, lifting it to his forehead. "You fucking idiot," he managed, his voice catching. "How did you manage this?"

"Hm… talent…" Daisya's voice was barely a whisper. "H-hurts…"

"Do you want me to get you anything?" Kanda asked, lifting his head so he could look at Daisya's eyes. The pain-darkened expression worked at sawing his heart in half, threatening to finish the job that the older boy's normally vibrant voice had started.

Daisya closed his eyes briefly, then opened them again. "The children… they…"

"Alive, thanks to you," Tiedoll said from the door. Kanda closed his eyes as the general strode over and reached out, lightly touching Daisya's uninjured cheek. "Hello, Daisya…"

"M… master," Daisya breathed. His eyes closed again and he sighed. "Ka… Kanda… I'm sorry…"

Kanda's eyes opened and he shook his head, squeezing Daisya's hand again. "Not now," he said huskily. "Later, so I can beat you for being so reckless!"

Daisya exhaled in what might have been a chuckle. "Mm…"

"Rest now," Tiedoll said gently. "Kanda and I will stay here with you until you are able to return home with us."

If the older boy heard him, he made no comment – he was already asleep. Kanda clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut, still clutching Daisya's hand close to his chest. "I want to stay with him," he said, his voice sounding infuriatingly weak to his ears.

"I wouldn't ask you to do otherwise," Tiedoll replied gently. "I'm going to call the Order and inform them as to what's happened, and send the Innocence home with a Finder. Watch over him for now, would you?" With that, he turned and left the room.

Kanda left Daisya's side long enough to change into dry clothes, then returned and fell asleep leaning against the bed, exhausted. He woke several times, checking on Daisya each time – but nothing changed. The older boy didn't stir but once, and he had calmed when Kanda had squeezed his hand and spoken to him softly. Before he'd gone back to sleep, he'd pressed a warm kiss to his friend's palm – telling himself it meant nothing and was only to comfort Daisya.

The next few days were sheer torture. Daisya woke only occasionally and would drink water and medicine, but rarely stayed awake for more than a moment. He couldn't speak well due to the bandages around his neck and the side of his head, and the burns inside – mostly he would mumble incoherent things that made Kanda want to scream in frustration. He wanted Daisya to tease him mercilessly, to sing off-key, to do all the little things that had annoyed him to within an inch of violence before… but all he did was lay still and silent.

After changing his bandages again, the doctor took Tiedoll aside to speak with him in private. Kanda shut them both out, focusing the entirety of his attention on Daisya, who was still shivering and whimpering in agony. "It's all right, Daisya," he whispered, holding tight to his hand. "I'm sorry, it has to be done, it's all right now…" He had talked himself hoarse the past few nights, saying more to Daisya's unconscious body than he ever had to anyone who was awake. Whatever he could think to do to keep Daisya from being in pain, he did it – though it was precious little, and all it had done was cause him to lose his voice.

The doctor left, and Tiedoll walked over to the bed. "Kanda," he said gently, "were you listening?"

"No," the swordsman said flatly. "He's hurting… I'm trying to help him."

Tiedoll sighed and crouched next to him, gazing at the wounded exorcist. "The burns have started to become infected," he finally said quietly. When Kanda looked up sharply, he shook his head. "We did all that we could. It's the nature of the wound, Kanda. Now we have a choice we must make."

Kanda looked back at Daisya, his heart racing painfully in his chest. "What is it?" he finally croaked.

The general stayed quiet for a moment. "If I could spare you this, my dear boy, I would do it… but you are an exorcist in your own right. His life is in your hands… the choice is yours. I will give you the facts, nothing more."

Kanda looked up at him, horrified. "No… no! What if I make the wrong decision?!"

"That's a risk we all take," Tiedoll said, showing a rare display of seriousness. "Here is where we stand. The doctor here has said that Daisya will certainly live at least two more days if the infection is treated to the best of his abilities – which it will be – but beyond that is a gamble. We also have the choice of taking him home… which will almost certainly kill him, but we are far better equipped to treat him there."

The Japanese boy looked down at Daisya and clenched his teeth. "There's no other option?" he finally asked. "Why can we not bring doctors from home?"

"They would arrive too late," Tiedoll said quietly. "Though… there is one possibility. While we've been away, an old man skilled with Eastern medicine arrived to the Order with his apprentice. They could travel far faster than doctors, but may also be able to do nothing… which wastes time."

Kanda bit his lip and bowed his head, letting his hair cover his face as he went over each option in his mind. Daisya's hand was warm in his, solid and reassuring, but… he was ill, was dying, and time could not be spent fretting. A decision must be made and stuck with. Resolved, the young exorcist lifted his head and nodded. "Bring the old man and his apprentice here. If we move Daisya he'll be in agony, and that could stop his heart… and no doctor I've ever heard of can fix that."

Tiedoll nodded and patted his shoulder. "I'll call home right now. Stay with Daisya."

The Japanese boy slumped against the bed, resting his forehead on the sheets. "There's no time for doubt," he whispered. "I… I hope…"

It was dark when the two newcomers from the Order arrived. Kanda had dozed off leaning on the bed as he was prone to do, but woke immediately when the door opened. Tiedoll walked in first, followed by an ancient-looking Asian man and an uncertain redhead. "Kanda, these are the new exorcists I spoke of… Bookman, and his apprentice Lavi."

Kanda nodded curtly, watching as Bookman crossed the room to examine Daisya. Despite being raised in less than wholesome circumstances, Kanda had developed a strong respect for those older and more powerful than he – and so he stepped aside without much fuss. The apprentice joined him, watching carefully with his good eye.

"Well?" Lavi finally asked, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and looking uncomfortable. "What'll it be, Panda?"

"His qui is unbalanced, which isn't much of a surprise," Bookman said, turning to look at the general. "He is very ill."

Kanda struggled to keep a civil tone. "You're not telling us anything we don't already know. Can you save him?"

Bookman turned to look at Kanda, then turned back to Daisya. "I want to take his bandages off."

"No!" the Japanese boy exploded. "We just changed them! That will hurt him!"

"Kanda," Tiedoll said warningly, and Kanda grit his teeth and quieted. "Bookman, can you wait until the next time they need to be changed? The boy is right… it's a painful ordeal for him."

Bookman shook his head. "I'm sorry, Marshall, but the sooner I can get an idea of his condition the sooner I'll know how to treat him."

Kanda watched stonily as Bookman and Lavi carefully pulled the bandages away. Daisya cried out in his sleep, causing the Japanese boy to clench his fists and bite his lip until it bled. He kept his eyes tightly closed and his head turned away, not wanting to see Daisya suffer… and then the room quieted. Kanda cautiously opened one eye, and Bookman spoke to Lavi in a language he didn't know.

Finally, Bookman turned back to Tiedoll and nodded. "I believe I can make him well enough to travel home. Give me the night to work on him. For now, please take Lavi and Kanda out of here."

"Aw, Panda," Lavi began, but Bookman shot him a death glare.

"You know I must have the flow of qui undisturbed if I am to do my job. With Kanda worrying himself sick and you bumbling around, I may not be able to do anything for this young exorcist."

Tiedoll nodded. "If you need anything, I'm sure one of us will be outside the door. Thank you, Bookman." When they closed the door, Tiedoll smiled at them. "I'm going to call Komui and then get us something to eat. Please wait here in case he needs your help."

Kanda planted himself to one side of the door and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms in front of him. "How is this going to work?" he asked tersely.

"Acupuncture," Lavi replied cheerfully. "Th' ol' panda's really good at it… an' on top of that, his Innocence is a bunch of needles called the Heaven Compass. He'll be able to save your friend no sweat!"

Kanda glowered, but accepted the explanation readily enough. He closed his eyes and prepared to wait all night if necessary, but the redhead's voice drew him out of his reverie.

"So, how'd that happen to 'im?" Lavi asked curiously. "Musta been one hell of an akuma…"

"It wasn't an akuma," Kanda said sharply. "He went into a burning house to save the people inside."

"Wow," the redhead replied, his eye widening. "That's impressive… he must be some kind of guy! Th' panda told me his name's Daisya… is that right?"

Kanda nodded, something about the fact that Lavi could say the older boy's name with the proper infliction – something Kanda hadn't mastered and Daisya was wont to tease him about – irritating him to no end. "That's right," he muttered. "His name is Daisya."

Lavi smiled. "I like th' way you say it better," he declared. "Sounds more… I dunno, exotic."

The Japanese boy shot him a glare that could have frozen water. "Well, it's wrong."

The redhead chuckled and put his arms over his head, relaxing against the wall. "So, what's his Innocence?"

Kanda scowled. "Shut up. It's none of your business."

"Aw, c'mon!" Lavi wheedled. "At least tell me _your_ name."

"Kanda Yuu," he snarled. "Now will you leave me alone?"

Lavi grinned. "Sure thing, Yuu!" He sat down and pulled a book out of his satchel, ignoring Kanda's wide-eyed indignation at being addressed by his first name.

Several moments later, a cry from inside the room set Kanda's hair on end. He started to open the door, but Lavi leapt up and grabbed his arm. "No," he said, "you can't! If you go in there, you could mess it all up!"

"Let me go!" Kanda yelled. "I have to…!"

Lavi pulled him back, having the advantage of being both taller and stronger. "No," he said again, his voice firm. "He knows what he's doin'. It's his _job_ to know what he's doin'. It's how his Innocence works too."

Kanda stared at the door, then slumped. "Daisya…"

"Shh," Lavi soothed, carefully pulling him into a hug. "He'll be fine, you'll see! That old man's never failed to save someone, never. He'll be fine."

Weary, heartsick, and ready to give up on the world in general, Kanda let out a shuddering breath and let Lavi hold him. The stress of the past week or so had been monumental, and Kanda had hardly eaten or slept. He'd refused all attempts to remove him from the older exorcist's side, and the long vigil was starting to take its toll.

"C'mon," Lavi said gently. "Let's go lay down, yeah? Bet you're tired like nothin' else, an' you should rest… he wouldn't want you to get sick 'cause of him, I'm sure. Guy like that always puts other people first… he'd want you to rest."

Kanda closed his eyes and nodded, allowing Lavi to lead him to another room and help him get into bed. He curled into a ball and pulled the covers up to his nose – without another word to the redhead, he fell asleep.

Several hours later, Lavi woke him with a gentle shake. "Yuu? Hey, wake up… your friend's awake, he's askin' for you."

Kanda was out of bed like a shot, hardly caring that he looked like a mess from being asleep. His long hair streamed behind him as he ran across the hall and into Daisya's room. The older boy turned his head slightly and smiled when he saw Kanda, and weakly raised his hand in a greeting.

"Daisya!" Kanda cried. He knelt next to the bed and clasped his hand. "How… how are you feeling? Are you better? Will… will you be…?"

Daisya sighed softly and squeezed Kanda's hand with as much strength as he could muster. "I… feel better. It hurts less."

"He will survive the trip back to the Order," Bookman informed him. "His qui is very strong."

Kanda closed his eyes and said nothing for a moment, holding tightly to Daisya's hand. "You're an idiot," he rasped. "You could have died!"

"I had you watching over me," Daisya murmured, his blue eyes slowly closing. "'m tired… gonna go back to sleep now…"

Kanda nodded slightly, still not looking up. He didn't know how, when, or why… but the heart-rending sorrow and frantic worry he'd felt wasn't the normal concern of one friend for another. It was something else, something that he didn't want to examine too closely – but something that had been nagging him since this happened. "Rest well," he whispered.

Daisya squeezed his hand again and said nothing, falling asleep in seconds. Kanda stayed still for a moment longer, then lifted his head and looked at Bookman. "When are we leaving?"

"Soon," Bookman said, a hint of gentleness in his voice. "When the Marshal is ready, I presume." He gazed at Kanda critically in a way that made the swordsman nervous, as though he could peer inside of him and see everything he hid from the world. "I'm told you pulled him from the fire," he finally said.

Kanda nodded. "We were almost out… the building exploded in flames. He was thrown away from the window."

Bookman nodded, still gazing at Kanda with an unreadable expression. Finally, thankfully, the moment was broken by Tiedoll and Lavi returning to the room. "Ah, Kanda, you're awake!" the general exclaimed. "Daisya was too, did you speak to him?"

"For a moment," Kanda said quietly, oddly subdued.

"Good, good," Tiedoll said cheerfully. "It seemed that nothing would put him at ease but seeing that you were all right for himself. He didn't remember seeing you when we returned from our mission, and his memory of the incident is a bit skewed… he thought you'd perished. No matter how many times I told him you were well, he wouldn't listen."

Kanda lowered his head, touching his forehead to Daisya's fingers, still wound through his own. "Why would he think that?" he whispered. "I wasn't even burned."

"Has he been having nightmares lately?" Bookman asked, causing Kanda to jerk his head up and stare at him in surprise. "Ah, so he has. That explains it."

The Japanese boy frowned. "Explains what? He's not slept well for quite some time."

Bookman shook his head and Tiedoll looked vaguely concerned. Lavi, on the other hand, had arched an eyebrow in perplexity. "But wouldn't that mean – "

"Shut up!" the old man interrupted, pinning Lavi to the wall with the force of his stare. "Haven't I told you to watch what comes out of that mouth of yours?"

Kanda's frown deepened. "What?" he asked, his voice holding a dangerous edge.

"It's not important right now," the Marshall said gently. "Let's focus on getting Daisya home."

"Tell me," Kanda ordered, rising and reluctantly letting go of Daisya's hand. "If it involves me, I want to know!"

Lavi shrugged. "Don't see what th' problem is," he said. "It's his right."

Tiedoll shook his head. "It's not our place to tell. It's Daisya's."

"_Tell_ me!" Kanda insisted. "Damn you both, _tell me!!_"

Bookman frowned. "The Marshal is correct," he said. "This is something you cannot hear from us. Now, then, may I suggest we leave? We're wasting time."

Lavi nodded. "Th' sooner th' better," he agreed, seeming to take everything in stride. "How're we gonna get him to the train? It's a long walk back to London…"

"I'll carry him," Kanda said, angry and wanting to be off.

"Fair enough," the Marshal replied. "I told Komui to be expecting us, so there will be a train waiting."

Kanda walked to the bed and hesitated, then carefully lifted Daisya into his arms. He was startled at how light the older boy was… as though he were a doll. He cradled him carefully, letting Lavi put Daisya's left arm around his shoulders so he could lean against him in somewhat of an upright position. Without a word, he turned and walked from the room, taking extreme care not to jostle Daisya any more than absolutely necessary.

He didn't know how long he'd been walking when he heard a weak voice whisper his name. "Kanda…"

"Daisya!" Kanda paused, looking down at him. "Do you need me to stop?"

"No," the older boy whispered. "Doesn't hurt… keep going. I want to go home…"

Kanda bit his lip as that irritating tightness returned to his throat, and he kept walking. The other three exorcists had dropped back quite a bit, and he had no worry about them overhearing. "Daisya… I… those nightmares of yours… the Marshall told me you thought I was dead."

Daisya shifted a bit. "Mm," he murmured. "I saw it… but… I hear your heartbeat… feel your warmth. You're not, but… I keep seeing it."

Kanda frowned, perturbed. "How long have you been seeing things like that?" The older boy didn't answer, though – he was already fast asleep. Kanda sighed, then sank into deep thought. _What does he mean?_ He wondered, frowning to himself. _You're not, but I keep seeing it… what's making him see me dying? And _why_ does he keep seeing me dying? And on top of that, _why won't anyone tell me what's going on?

Daisya didn't wake again until they were on the train, and he was resting on Kanda's lap to avoid the shocks of the tracks. He stirred a bit, then sighed and relaxed. "Kanda…"

Kanda woke slowly. "Hmm?" he mumbled, still half asleep.

The older boy carefully put his hand over his friend's, wincing in pain as he did so. "Mm… nightmare…"

"You're safe," Kanda replied drowsily, not really bothering to wake up. He gently tightened his grip, hoping to reassure his friend. "So'm I. We're on the train… going home."

Daisya nodded slightly, letting his breath out slowly. "It hurts," he whispered.

Kanda opened his eyes and looked down at him, biting his lip. "Do you want me to get Bookman?"

"No." The older boy shuddered a bit, though Kanda was uncertain as to whether it was due to the mention of Bookman or being in pain. "I'm cold… please don't go."

The younger boy glanced around, then reached for Daisya's coat and gently covered him with it. "Here," he murmured. "The burns are making your body think it's colder than it is."

Daisya sighed softly and relaxed. "Thank you," he murmured. "Sorry to trouble you… I just… couldn't let them die…"

"I know," Kanda murmured, giving in to temptation and lowering his head, resting his cheek against the older boy's soft brown hair. "I would've… thought less of you if you had."

Daisya trembled, but again Kanda didn't know why. "Glad I did, then," he whispered. "Forgive me…" He started coughing violently, and Kanda leapt out of the seat and put Daisya down, stretching him out.

"Bookman! Lavi!" he yelled, knowing the two were just next door and could hear him. "Come quick!!"

A scant moment later the door flew open and Lavi ran in. "Th' panda's talkin' to th' Marshal," he said, slurring his words more than usual in his haste to find out what was going on. "What's… oh, man!"

Daisya had turned onto his side, still coughing, and blood was trickling from the corner of his mouth and soaking through the bandages that covered the worst of his wounds. Kanda ran out of the compartment, barely telling Lavi to stay with Daisya, needing to get Bookman and Tiedoll in a way he'd never need _anything_ before. That horrible, constrictive feeling in his throat was back, and spreading to his chest. He put a hand to his heart as he wrenched the door of Tiedoll's compartment open, and the two men inside looked up in surprise… but neither needed him to say a word, and both were out the door in a flash.

Kanda slid down the wall until he was sitting, moving his hand from his chest to cover the lower part of his face as he squeezed his eyes shut. _Oh, Daisya,_ he thought, his shoulders shaking. _Be strong… because as soon as you've recovered, I'm going to kill you myself for making me feel this way!_


	3. Chapter 3

Here's chapter 3! Thanks much for the comments both here and to me personally - it's much appreciated.

A week went by, then two. Daisya did not wake up again, and there were whispers that he most likely wasn't going to. His infection was treated and cleared, and the burns were healing… but he was gone somewhere deep inside himself. The Order was almost like a tomb – Finders and Exorcists alike walked somberly through the halls, talking in whispers. Everyone knew that one of their own was lingering right at Death's door, and the impact it had on the Order was devastating.

Kanda visited him every day, sparing only enough time for the necessities – eating, bathing, sleeping, and training – but even those were rushed. Other than that, he remained by Daisya's side, unwilling to move and leave his friend alone. Others would visit too, on occasion… most often were Tiedoll, Bookman, and Lavi. Lavi would sit with him for awhile, reading a book or writing in a journal, typically not talking but offering quiet reassurance. Despite himself, Kanda appreciated it… it was better than being alone with the shell of the one who had been his only friend.

Sighing softly to himself, Kanda lightly traced the contours of Daisya's Charity Bell. He'd hoped having his Innocence so close to him would wake him, but so far it hadn't worked at all. Daisya had remained still and silent, and all Kanda had left of him was the faintly glowing silver bell that was always with him. It was enough to send the hardest heart to its knees, and Kanda was finding himself brooding and poking at his feelings more often than not. It was hard not to lose hope in these conditions.

"Hey, Yuu," Lavi said, startling him out of his thoughts.

"What?" he snapped. "And don't call me that, damn you!"

Lavi smiled innocently. "Was thinkin'. You think it'd help if we put him in his own room?"

Kanda scowled. "What difference would it make? He's unconscious. He probably doesn't even know we're here."

"Sure he does." Lavi stood and set his book down on the chair, then walked to the bed and knelt. "Don't you know anything about comas?"

"Why would I?" the Japanese boy retorted.

Lavi chuckled and shook his head. "He can hear you," he said, taking the older boy's hand in his and squeezing it. "He can feel me holdin' his hand, too. Maybe he won't remember, but he feels it now… didn't th' doctor back in th' village tell ya that?"

Kanda thought back to the village and frowned, realizing that Lavi was right. "And you think putting him in his room will make him better?" he asked flatly. "That's ridiculous even for you."

"Let's give it a try anyway, yeah?" Lavi asked, standing and smiling as though he hadn't heard the insult. "You never know, an' he's healed well enough to go… just gotta bring the IV with us."

Kanda looked down at Daisya again and frowned, then shrugged irritably. "Whatever. Let's go. I'll take him, you deal with the rest." He lifted Daisya carefully into his arms, struggling to ignore the little voice in his head that screamed at how light he'd become, and waited for Lavi to get the IV in order. As soon as it was, he left the room and headed up the stairs.

Daisya's room was a floor below his and several doors to the right, and Kanda knew its location as well as he knew his own. He paused outside and glanced at Lavi, who nodded, then he pushed the door open. Daisya typically left it unlocked, not being the particularly paranoid sort, and Kanda was momentarily grateful for that fact. Lavi kicked the door shut behind them, and Kanda gently put Daisya down on his bed.

"I'll go tell Komui," Lavi offered with a bright smile. "Easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, right?" Before Kanda could say or do anything, Lavi was out the door and gone.

Kanda sighed to himself as he tucked Daisya into his bed, being careful not to jar the arm that had the IV in it. At the foot of the bed were the pile of blankets the older boy entombed himself with at night, and as an afterthought he spread a couple of them over him. Daisya was wont to complain loudly if it was colder than seventy or so degrees, and it almost never got that warm at the Order. _He's used to a far warmer climate,_ Kanda thought absently. _No wonder he's always freezing._

He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked down at his friend, frowning slightly. _Why am I even still here?_ He wondered. _Why can I not leave without constantly worrying and thinking about him?_ He scowled and shook his head, looking away from Daisya and instead at the brightly colored blanket on top of him. He fervently hated showing any kind of weakness whatsoever, and thanks to Daisya that was all he'd been doing since he'd run into that stupid house. Somehow, though, he couldn't bring himself to be angry with him… and so he directed his anger at himself instead, finding it a suitable alternative.

"Life has to go on, with or without you," he said out loud, looking at Daisya again with a frown. "If you won't wake up… that's not my problem."

The knife that had been buried in his chest since Daisya was wounded twisted hard, and Kanda physically winced. It was absurd – he had no reason _at all_ to still be there. He stood and turned to leave, but the clear sound of a bell stopped him. In his concern for Daisya's comfort he hadn't thought much about the Charity Bell, and that sound was what stopped him. The bell hit the floor and bounced a couple of times, and then rolled to a stop next to a box.

Kanda knelt to retrieve it, then blinked when he caught sight of several sheets of paper tossed haphazardly inside. Letting his curiosity overcome him, he lifted the papers out of the box and peered at them. Apparently Daisya had been writing something, but it was all in Turkish. Kanda puzzled at the paper for a moment, wryly noting that Daisya's handwriting was nothing short of absolutely horrible, then gave up and put the papers back where he'd found them. He picked up the bell and stood, returning it to Daisya's side, and gazed down at him for a moment before turning and leaving.

Lavi caught up with him a few hours later in the cafeteria. "Hey, Yuu!" he called. "Was wonderin' where you disappeared to!"

Kanda looked up and glared as Lavi plunked his tray down and sat across from him, then blinked when he saw the redhead holding something. "What do you want?" he asked tersely.

"Well, I went back t' visit Daisya, and knocked his bell off the bed by mistake," Lavi said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. "Found these in a box… did you see 'em?" He passed the papers across the table.

"Yes," Kanda said curtly. "I can't read them. I don't speak his language."

"Oh!" Lavi looked embarrassed for a moment. "Forgot! Well, it's a letter to you, so I figured you'd wanna have it."

Kanda's glare intensified. "And did you read it?" he asked, his voice holding a note of _you damn well better not have_.

Lavi gulped. "W-well, yeah, but just a little! Was tryin' t' figure out what it was, 'sall!"

_Fucking wonderful,_ Kanda thought scathingly. _Why the hell was that moron writing me a letter, anyway? He saw me every day!_ "Well, you shouldn't have," he snarled.

The redhead gazed at him earnestly, his food completely forgotten. "It's about his nightmares," he said. "He was tryin' t' tell ya about 'em… who knows why he wrote it that way, though."

Kanda's brows met sharply as he looked down at the letter. "…" _I am going to regret this,_ he thought. He stood abruptly and picked the letter up, turning his gaze to Lavi. "Let's go. You're going to read this to me where nobody will overhear."

"Ah! Yuu! I didn't get to eat yet!" Lavi yelped, reaching out and grabbing his sandwich as he followed Kanda out of the room.

Once they were safe in Lavi's own room (because somehow Kanda felt that Daisya shouldn't know they were prying through his things), Kanda sat in his desk chair and stared at him. "Well?"

Lavi perched on his bed and cleared his throat, looking down at the papers in his hands. "W-well, his handwriting kinda sucks," he hedged.

"Just read," Kanda said flatly, not in the mood for idiocy.

"Ah! Okay, okay!" Lavi held his hands up in defense, then sighed and turned his attention back to the letter. "Dear Kanda…"

_Dear Kanda,_

_Well, it's kinda weird of me to write this out first, especially since I know you can't speak Turkish! I guess that's one reason I'm writing it this way… practice for telling you when the time's right. Okay, so here it goes… no more waiting. I've been having nightmares about you lately. I don't know why, but Tiedoll seems to think it's got something to do with an Innocence shard I recovered a week ago. The nightmares started shortly after that._

_Nobody's been able to figure out what exactly the purpose of the Innocence is, but it's sure giving me a hell of a time! Kanda, the things I've seen… you wouldn't even believe it. I've seen akuma get you, I've seen you killed in various accidents and stuff, even falling down the stairs at the Order. How stupid would that be? Yuu Kanda, killed because he slipped on the steps! What a waste!_

_Anyway, if I've seemed on edge lately, that's why. I don't know, Kanda, but this Innocence seems convinced that you're going to die before your time… an' it's torturing me with it. I don't know why, but I've pretty much given up on sleep as it is. Every time I wake up I'm almost panicked until I see you again, an'… well, that's awkward! How's it going to look if I go busting into your room at all hours?_

_So if I've been acting weird lately, or looking at you funny, or… well, going outside at dawn 'cause I know you'll be there, that's why. You can go ahead and laugh at me if you want… but I don't know if I'd laugh were it you in this position._

_There's something else, but… well, what're the chances someone else who speaks Turkish will be going through my stuff, anyway? The point is…_

Lavi stopped reading abruptly and looked up, wide-eyed. "Um… that's it!" he said hastily. "Ends there."

Kanda glared at him. "It does not! You've been following the text with your finger. What else is there, Lavi?"

The redhead shook his head and put the papers down on his bed. "Not tellin'," he said, his expression serious. "Not tellin'. It's not my place."

Well, that just about did it. Kanda surged up out of the chair and grabbed Lavi by the shoulders, giving him a sharp shake. "Nobody's been telling me the fucking truth since all this started!" he yelled, his voice getting louder with each word. "Quit hiding things from me! Just tell me, dammit!"

Lavi stared up at him, shocked. "Yuu…"

Kanda stepped back abruptly, wrenching himself back under the stern control that he was so used to. There was no point in taking Lavi's head off; after all, he was the only one who could read the stupid letter. He sat back down and glared at him instead of throttling him as he so dearly wanted to. "Read it," he growled.

Lavi cleared his throat and nodded slightly, but he looked apprehensive. "The point is…"

_… you've come to mean a lot more to me than anyone else at the Order. It's weird, isn't it? You're cold to everyone, even me, but… sometimes when it seems like you'll push the rest of the world out, you'll let me in. Heh… I've gotten used to it, I guess… but sometimes I notice. I notice the way you glare at everyone else, but when you look at me you just sigh and roll your eyes. I notice the way you'll nearly take someone's head off for talking to you if you want to be alone, but if I speak up not a minute later you listen… you even talk to me sometimes._

_I'm glad you're my comrade, Kanda… glad you're my friend, even if you don't consider me one. I don't know what I'd do without you, and that's probably why these dreams are so hard on me… don't like thinking about a world without you in it. Seems like it wouldn't make much sense… I hate the very idea! It's stupid._

_So, there it is… maybe someday I'll get up the guts to actually tell you this… or maybe I'll just translate it into English and let you figure it out on your own! Either way… I care about you, Kanda. Don't know how or how much yet… still figuring that out. I just hope you'll keep me around… I like the way things are._

Lavi stayed quiet for a moment, then closed his eye briefly. "'s dated a couple days before you left for that mission."

Kanda stared at the wall over Lavi's head, too stunned to do or say anything. The ache in his chest that he'd grudgingly grown accustomed to was back, and it was threatening to smother him. He didn't let it show, though – he carefully kept it hidden, keeping his face blank. He'd learned long ago that showing emotions could get you horribly hurt, and that was a lesson he'd not forgotten.

He stood abruptly, causing Lavi to jump. "I'm going," he said, and that was all. He left the room, his mind twisted into thousands of knots, and sought the sanctuary of his own.

Once the door was closed, he sagged back against it and drew a ragged breath. "God, why?" he breathed, sliding down it and staring blankly at the wall in front of him. Even alone he hated losing control, but it seemed there was no alternative. If he tried to keep this bottled up, it would consume him. Hot tears stung his eyes as his throat ached fiercely, and his breath came in short, sharp gasps.

"Daisya…!"

He lost track of how long he sat there, staring at the wall and letting his thoughts chase themselves in circles. That nameless grief had finally found a name, and Kanda had no idea what to do with himself. He was well and truly lost, stuck in the middle of a storm with no refuge, and he _hated_ it. But… there was no alternative. He drew a breath to steady himself and let it out slowly, then pushed himself to his feet and wiped his eyes.

_Whatever happens…_

He pushed the door open and let it slam shut behind him, not caring a whit if anyone heard.

_No matter what…_

His footsteps echoed crisply off of the stone walls as he walked, heading for the staircase.

_Even if it means an end to everything I've known…_

His breath caught in his throat and his heart ached, but he kept walking, his eyes fixed firmly ahead as he went.

_I won't let go._

He pushed the door open.

Daisya's room was dark, and nobody was with him. The IV had been changed, signaling that the doctors had been there, but the room was silent and still. Kanda pushed the door shut behind him and walked over to the bed, kneeling and taking Daisya's hand in his own. He bowed his head, and his unbound hair cascaded over his shoulders to hide his face.

"I don't know what you've done," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "I don't care. I want you to wake up! I found your stupid letter, and I know everything so… damn you, you owe me an explanation!"

He drew a breath to steady himself and opened his eyes, looking down at Daisya anxiously. "You managed to turn my world upside down with a stupid quill, do you know that? It took me hours to sort myself out after I read it, and knowing you were laying here…!"

His breath hitched in his throat, and hot liquid splashed onto their hands as he bowed his head further. "Dammit, Daisya… you've taken everything and just…! And now… now what do I do?"

The tears were coming faster now, and his shoulders were shaking. He was mortally glad of the darkness; even though Daisya wasn't awake, he felt horribly vulnerable. "Wake up… God, I'll do anything, just please…! I… I love you!"

Kanda grit his teeth hard against a scream that welled up inside of him, and he was about to stand and run when he felt Daisya turn their hands. He linked their fingers together and squeezed gently, and Kanda nearly leapt out of his skin. "Daisya!"

"Nn… Kanda…" Daisya's voice was little more than a hoarse rasp, and it sounded painful for him to be speaking at all. He drew a breath and coughed, then turned his head and opened his eyes. His lips lifted slightly in a smile. "'s okay… didn't mean fer you t'find th' letter… 's not in English! How?"

Kanda shook his head, disbelieving and feeling as though he were teetering on the perilous edge of sanity. Daisya was slurring his words so badly he could barely understand, but when he picked the meaning out of the jumble he squeezed his eyes shut and turned his face away. "You were awake the whole time… you fucking bastard!"

Daisya made a soft sound and shook his head. "Heh… sorta… woke up earlier, was alone… but in m'room… felt warm 'n' nice… just… went to sleep."

Torn between cursing himself for not being there when he woke and cursing him in as many ways as he could think of, Kanda just shook his head again. "You…!"

The older boy squeezed his hand again and smiled, growing a little stronger. "'s okay… 's okay. I love you too."

Kanda sank forward and put his free arm on the mattress, resting his forehead on it and letting his hair hide his face. He was shaking all over and his legs felt like jelly, and no matter how hard his brain commanded, his body refused to move at all. "Daisya…"

Daisya reached over and put his other hand on Kanda's head, lightly stroking his hair with what little strength he had. "'s okay… 'll all be okay. Promise… 'll stay with you…"

Kanda didn't want to respond. He didn't want to do anything. He didn't even want Daisya to shut up, despite the fact that his words were doing strange things to his mind. He'd spent too long hoping to hear his voice again, he wasn't about to start hoping for the opposite now. He just sat silently, feeling drained of everything, and fell asleep clutching Daisya's hand in his own.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** So sorry it took me a longer than expected to get this chapter finished… but thanks once again to my beta readers and to all of you who've been enjoying this story! This will be the final chapter with an epilogue to come, and possibly a sequel in the works. I hope you enjoy it!

Two weeks later, Kanda found himself sitting cross-legged on Daisya's bed and watching him carefully walk across his room and back. Regaining his strength had become a top priority, and though he tired very easily his determination was evident to all. That was why he'd taken to slowly walking back and forth across his room, small as it was, trying to win back what his injuries and illness had taken from him.

Finally, he gave up and flopped down onto his bed, sweaty and out of breath. "That's enough for today," he groaned, forcing himself to sit up and stretch so his muscles didn't stiffen.

Kanda nodded slightly, watching but staying silent. By all rights things should have been awkward between them, but Daisya had been wonderful – he'd been up front and honest, he hadn't danced around the issue, and he'd made sure Kanda knew he wasn't screwing around. Kanda appreciated that more than he'd ever say, but outwardly he simply accepted it with the same stoicism as everything else in his life.

"Don't forget to drink that," he said, pointing at a pitcher of water on the desk.

Daisya looked over and sighed. "Yeah, I know," he muttered. "Haven't forgotten." The water contained special herbs meant to help him restore his endurance and strengthen his immune system, and Kanda was strict as hell about making him drink it. He looked up at Kanda and smiled, laying back down so he was stretched out with his head in the Japanese boy's lap. "Gonna rest a bit, though."

Kanda shrugged. "Fine," he said, letting one hand drop lightly to play with Daisya's hair. He was still unfamiliar and horribly skittish with the whole situation, but the older exorcist's patience and calm reassurances were beginning to win him over. He was still having a hard time ignoring the voice in the back of his mind that told him to get the hell out while he could, but it was slowly starting to die away.

Daisya yawned and reached for one of his blankets, tugging it up to his chin and closing his eyes contentedly. "So what're you skippin' out on to be here with me, anyway? Surely you've got somethin' you're supposed to be doin'."

"Making sure you don't do anything stupid," Kanda replied, yawning a bit himself. It was late, and he'd wanted to be asleep hours ago… but Daisya was determined to keep at it. "Drink your water."

"Yes, Mom," Daisya mocked. He sat up and stretched again, then carefully made his way to the desk and poured a glass of water. "I feel a little better today, actually."

Kanda lifted his gaze from the bed and examined Daisya critically. He'd always been slim and athletic, but the illness had left him far too thin and had taken most of the muscle tone. "You don't look better," he finally said, frowning. "You're still not eating enough."

Daisya laughed and polished off the water, setting the glass down and making his way back to the bed. "I think I've eaten more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two months. Between you, Lavi, Bookman, and the doctors – I get fed plenty, trust me." He settled back down and looked up at Kanda with a wicked grin. "You don't want me to get fat, do you?"

"Hmph!" Kanda looked away, indignant. "You know that's not what this is about."

"No, but teasing you is too much fun to resist," the older boy said, laughing once more. "You're so pretty when you blush!"

Kanda looked back at him, surprised, then fixed him with a glare. "Shut up!"

Daisya chuckled and reached up, trailing his fingers lightly over Kanda's cheek and jaw. "Better get used to it," he said, blue eyes warm with affection. "I like teasing you."

"You're lucky I haven't run you through," Kanda muttered, forced to turn his gaze. Daisya hid nothing, and Kanda was uncomfortable with the idea of another human being sharing his heart so thoroughly when he couldn't bring himself to do the same. It wasn't that he didn't love Daisya – it was because he _did_ love him that he was afraid to reach out.

"Ah, you wouldn't do that to me!" Daisya replied, pouting. "Then who'd keep you warm at night?"

Kanda's cheeks burned. "I was perfectly fine before," he replied, struggling not to snap. "I'll just take your blankets, since you won't need them."

Daisya's pout intensified, and he pushed himself up to brush his lips lightly against Kanda's. "Well, I'll just hafta give you a reason to _not_ wanna sleep alone!"

"Daisya," Kanda replied, his voice holding a warning. _Don't push me too far._

The older boy chuckled and settled down again, yawning. "Mm. I'm tired. You wanna go to bed now?"

"I wanted to awhile ago," Kanda grumbled.

Daisya laughed and shifted again, restless as always. "All right, sorry! I just wanted to go a little more… y'know, so I can regain my strength faster."

Kanda shoved him off his lap as carefully as he could manage, then stood and stretched out sore legs. "Fine, I'm going to bed," he said. "I'll come back in the morning after my own training."

Daisya's voice stopped him just as he put his hand on the doorknob. "Hey, Kanda…" When he glanced over his shoulder, Daisya continued. "Tomorrow morning, do you think… well, can I go outside with you? 's been awhile, and I'm tired of bein' stuck in here."

Kanda nodded slightly. "I'll come get you at dawn."

Daisya smiled at him, standing once more and walking unsteadily over to him. "Thanks," he murmured, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his cheek against his shoulder.

Kanda tensed for a moment, then relaxed and reached down, lightly resting his hand on his arm. "You're welcome."

Daisya leaned up and brushed a soft kiss against his jaw, then pulled away and yawned. "See you in the morning, then."

As promised, Kanda returned to Daisya's room at dawn. He knocked at the door, but when no answer came he frowned and made an impatient sound. _Probably still asleep,_ he thought scornfully. He opened the door slightly and peeked in, then sighed and went inside. "Daisya!" he called, slightly irritated. "Are you coming with me?"

Daisya stirred and rolled over to face Kanda, blue eyes opening slowly. "Mm… Kanda? Oh, shit!" He sat up quickly, then gasped in pain and put his hand to his side. "Ngh!"

Kanda hurried over to him, concerned and doing his very best to hide it. "Idiot," he murmured, kneeling and looking up at him. "You overslept."

"Sorry," the older boy muttered, rubbing his eyes and raking his hands through his hair. "Kept waking up."

The Japanese exorcist frowned slightly and reached up to lightly brush his fingers against Daisya's cheek. "You don't have to worry."

Daisya looked down at him and smiled wearily. "I know. I just… heh. It's nothin', I'm fine. Well, sorry I slept in – don't wanna make you any later for your training than you already are."

Kanda stood and shook his head. "Stay here. Get some more rest."

The older boy looked up at him in surprise. "What? No way! I wanna go outside."

"It's cold," Kanda pointed out.

Daisya paused a moment, then shook his head and smiled. "Don't care. I want to go out." He pushed the covers back and slid out of bed, yawning and stretching as he did so. "Mm… 's not so bad."

Kanda stared for a moment, then crossed his arms and glowered. "_Daisya._ You're going to the cafeteria first, at least." He resisted the urge to add on, _which you should have done before I got here._

"Huh?" Daisya looked over at him curiously, arms still over his head, then grinned mischievously. He stretched again, languidly this time, purposely arching his back so that his shirt would hike up further.

Kanda's eyes widened briefly and then he looked away, scowling. "Idiot! What the hell are you doing? Haven't you wasted enough time already?"

Daisya's grin widened. "Just tryin' to wake up. Well, gimme a second to get dressed an' we'll go."

Kanda turned around, fighting the urge to blush and instead glaring at the wall. How could he have forgotten how very much Daisya enjoyed playing tricks on people? He'd typically left well enough alone when it came to Kanda, but now it seemed that he'd outgrown his immunity.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that Daisya startled him when he touched his arm. The older boy looked up at him curiously, and Kanda's heart clenched when he saw the familiar coat… and the bandages underneath. "Well?" Daisya asked curiously. "Are we goin'?"

"Yes," Kanda snapped, turning away abruptly. He closed his eyes for a second to compose himself, then glanced over his shoulder. "Do you need help?"

Daisya grinned wryly. "If you don't mind every Finder in the Order whispering about you letting me hold your hand or lean on you."

Kanda did in fact mind, but he wasn't about to tell Daisya that. "Fine," was all he said, keeping his voice neutral. He offered the older exorcist his hand, and when Daisya took it and laced their fingers together, he couldn't help but feel warm inside… he really was glad that the older boy was awake and well.

As Daisya had predicted, there were indeed people giving him odd looks as the two slowly made their way through the halls. The older boy's smile and steadfast courage seemed to take attention away from the fact that _Kanda_ of all people was supporting him and helping him along, and that was yet another thing he was thankful for. People might stop to say hello to Daisya, but they wouldn't give Kanda more than a brief nod – and that was how he liked it.

Or so he thought.

By the time they reached the cafeteria, however, Daisya was angry. "Are they always like that to you?" he demanded.

"Usually," Kanda replied with a shrug, steering him to an empty table. "I don't care. They're just… here."

"Kanda!" Daisya was glaring, that was never a good sign. "You seriously don't care? They hardly looked at you!"

The Japanese boy sighed slightly. "They're concerned for you," he said gruffly. "I don't matter much in that regard. Now, sit down and let me get your food."

Daisya sat, but he looked unhappy. Kanda stifled another sigh and walked away, and when he returned the older boy was still glowering. He pushed Daisya's tray in front of him and sat across from him, setting his own down and once again resisting the urge to sigh. "_What?_" he asked impatiently.

"Nothin'," the older exorcist murmured, picking up his spoon and setting into his breakfast. "Just… knew you didn't like people around, but didn't know they treated you that way."

"I don't give them a reason not to," the Japanese boy replied flatly. "They are what they are, and I am what I am."

"And that makes it easier?" Daisya looked at him and shrugged. "If that's how you want it, fine… 's your life." He poked at his porridge for a moment, then looked up again, his eyes cautiously shadowed. "You sure you want me around?"

Kanda glared at him. "How can you even ask that?"

Daisya smiled sadly. "'cause I know you don't like people. Don't get me wrong, I'm real glad you've… you know, let me in. I just… don't wanna intrude if you're not sure."

"_Daisya._" Kanda glowered down at his food, then shook his head. "You're different. It's not like that with you. It's never been."

The older boy held his gaze for a long moment, then nodded and went back to his food. "The way I see it," he said between bites, "is that you think the more friends you have, the easier it'll be to get hurt… right?"

Kanda's glare intensified. "Can we drop this subject now?"

Daisya shook his head. "Hear me out," he entreated. "You keep people at arms' length… you always have. Tiedoll treated us all like his kids, y'know, an'… me an' Marie, we're the only ones you let remotely close – me more than Marie. Nobody else, though. Why?"

"They aren't worth it," Kanda muttered, poking at his rice irritably with his chopsticks. "You are."

"Heh. Me? Dunno 'bout that." Daisya took another bite of his porridge, thoughtful. "Dunno why it never occurred to me before, but… you must be lonely."

Kanda looked up, surprised, then shook his head. "No."

"No?" Daisya smiled faintly. "What would you have done if I'd died?"

His stomach twisted into a hard knot, and Kanda stared down at his half-eaten bowl of rice, fearful that the rest of it might make a reappearance. He squeezed his eyes closed, then stood abruptly and did the only thing he could think to do at all.

He fled.

Daisya stared after him, then sighed and put his head in his hands. _Why do I always say stupid stuff?_ He wondered angrily. _I need to learn to keep my mouth shut!_

"Daisya!" a familiar voice called. Daisya looked up to see Lenalee and Lavi walking towards him, both smiling. He couldn't help but smile back, at least until Lavi gave the abandoned food across from him a strange look.

"Someone sittin' here?" the redhead asked curiously.

"Not anymore," Daisya muttered, glancing away. "'s fine."

Lenalee sat next to him and gazed at him sympathetically. "Kanda nearly knocked us over on his way out. Is everything all right?"

Daisya smiled wanly. "I said somethin' stupid, no big surprise there. He'll forgive me eventually."

Lavi chuckled and pushed Kanda's tray aside. "Seems like it's easy to make Yuu mad," he observed. "Don't worry 'bout it too much."

"He was so worried about you," Lenalee said, putting her hand on Daisya's shoulder and smiling encouragingly at him. "He'll get over it."

"Yeah, hopefully," Daisya replied, feeling a bit better. He went back to his porridge – a little cold now – and turned his attention to Lavi. "So, how're you gettin' along here?"

The redhead beamed. "'s great! The library's awesome, an' of course figurin' out how t' use my Innocence… I'm havin' a lotta fun! Panda says we'll be goin' out on missions soon so I can start takin' records."

Daisya smiled faintly as he listened to Lavi and Lenalee talk, but mostly he kept to himself. Dark eyes widening in shock and pain, then closing as their owner stood and left – that was all he seemed to be able to think about. _I can't believe I said that to him_, the brunet thought glumly. _How could I be such a jerk after all he's been through 'cause of me? I'll be surprised if he speaks to me again, really…_

"Daisya," a gentle voice said in his ear. The older boy jumped and looked over, then sighed when he saw Lenalee smiling at him.

"Sorry, sorry," he muttered. "I'm off in my own little world this morning, I guess."

Lenalee smiled and shook her head. "It's all right. Lavi and I were wondering if you might like to take a walk outside."

Daisya hesitated. "Um…"

Lavi leaned forward over his tray, looking a bit anxious. "If you'd rather go look for Yuu we understand, but we thought it might make you feel better t' get outta here for a bit."

Daisya smiled and nodded. "Yeah, it would, but I better go face up… otherwise this'll be hangin' over my head 'til he comes outta hiding, and who knows how long that'll be?"

He rose slowly from the table, still a bit unsteady on his feet, and picked up his tray with an apologetic smile. "Maybe tomorrow, yeah?"

"Sure, yeah," Lavi replied, smiling back. "Don't push it!"

Lenalee nodded, still looking vaguely worried. "Take care, Daisya."

Carefully, Daisya made his way out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. He was already breathing hard, and his brows were furrowed in irritation. _I should be stronger now,_ he thought angrily, forcing himself away from the wall and towards the stairs that led outside. _Dammit! This's stupid! How long am I gonna hafta wait until I can be myself again?_

By the time Daisya made it to the gates, he was absolutely exhausted. He sagged back against a pillar and slid down, tears of frustration stinging his eyes. _A month ago I was killin' Akuma like it was nothin', an' now I can barely walk the hallways… on top of that, people keep starin'… I hate these bandages, but I can't take 'em off. I'd rather people wonder why I wear 'em than see what I look like without._

He closed his eyes, intending to rest for just a moment… and fell deeply asleep within seconds.

When he woke, Daisya found himself being cradled close to a strong, warm body as someone carried him through the hallways. He was momentarily confused and struggled a bit, but a familiar voice cut through the fog like a knife.

"Stop struggling, Daisya. It's just me."

Daisya looked up, surprised, and bit his lip. "Kanda… I was lookin' for you, but…"

Kanda made an impatient sound and kept walking. "You wore yourself out, idiot. You're lucky I found you when I came inside, otherwise you would have caught your death of cold."

The knife in his chest twisted, and Daisya looked down glumly. "Sorry. Seems like I'm doin' a great job at bein' a total idiot today."

When Daisya was back in his room and resting on his bed, poncho draped over a nearby chair, Kanda turned to go without saying much. "I'll come get you for dinner," he said, reaching for the door.

"Wait!" Daisya cried, pushing himself off of the bed. He staggered over to Kanda and wrapped his arms around his neck, partially to keep from falling and partially because he _needed_ to. He was in every sort of pain it was possible to be in, and there was only one way to fix it. "Kanda, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… I shouldn't have ever said what I did this morning. I don't even have an excuse, I'm just sorry, so please… don't go! The thought of you bein' alone… it breaks my heart!"

Kanda stiffened, startled at the worlds and the painful sincerity behind them, then relaxed and put his arms around Daisya in return. "You really are an idiot," he whispered, turning his face into the older boy's hair and closing his eyes.

Daisya nodded, the tears that had stung his eyes earlier now spilling over. "I know," he whispered. "I know."

Kanda gently lifted him into his arms once more and returned him to his bed, then sat down and unzipped his boots. He said nothing as he pulled them off and put them on the floor, then stood and took off his coat and his own boots as well. He stretched out next to the older boy, who immediately rolled onto his side and pressed against him, and he wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace. "You worry too much," he whispered, closing his eyes and settling in to stay for as long as Daisya needed him.

Daisya chuckled weakly. "I hurt you. I'm not blind." He was feeling a bit better, though – having Kanda stay was the best thing that could have happened.

"I don't like to think about what might have happened," the younger boy replied, shifting a bit closer.

"I know." Kicking himself repeatedly didn't really do much good, but Daisya did it anyway. "Like I said, I dunno why I said that, I just… seein' the way people look at you… I hate it! I love you so much… there's so much good in you, an' they don't even see it!"

Kanda sighed softly. "I told you, I don't give them a reason to want to talk to me. I like it that way, Daisya."

Daisya bit his lip. "I just wish I'd noticed sooner," he murmured. "I'm sorry. You probably don't wanna talk about this."

The Japanese exorcist remained silent for a moment, just holding Daisya tight and savoring his warmth, his scent, everything about him. "You know… how I feel about you. Nothing else matters."

"I know. I'm lucky." Daisya nestled closer and sighed, exhausted again, this time emotionally more than physically. "I'm… heh. You already know."

Kanda nodded. "I know. You don't have to apologize. I know what you were trying to do."

Daisya smiled faintly and moved back a bit, then brushed his lips against the younger boy's chin. "Thanks, Kanda. I'll try not to say stupid stuff anymore."

"If you didn't you wouldn't be you," Kanda replied with a snort. "Go to sleep, you've overworked yourself today."

Daisya laughed softly and nestled close again. "Okay, okay. I'll rest." He couldn't help but smile as he closed his eyes. "Good night, then."

Kanda shifted a bit and pulled the blankets up over them, then relaxed as well. "Good night, Daisya."


End file.
